Here is a quick training guide on how to be a Serb. We’ve all heard the stereotypical portrayal of other ethnic varieties among the human species, so it’s about time you, dear reader, have gotten up to speed on what it takes to be a Serb in today’s world. Armed with this information, you are well on your way to being an Honorary Serb!
Cheap Serb: in order to be a Serb, you have to be obsessed with money or, rather, the least use of money possible. There is a difference between being thrifty and being cheap: Serbs are cheap. Here are prime examples of cheap.
First of all, save everything–don’t throw it away. If it can be used in the future, save it. If it can be fixed, either now or in the future, save it. If someone else in the house wants to throw something away, save it.
Second, if someone is giving away something for free at work, or in the family, take it! Serbs live on giveaways and hand-me-downs. Why buy, when you can acquire it through patience and being in the right place at the right time?
Third, salvage stuff on garbage night. Serbs are not dumpster divers, but they have a keen eye for random “stuff” that is thrown out in the neighborhood, which can be easily fixed up and reused.
Next point, always shop the sales. If you can’t, do without. You don’t really need it if it’s full price! Exception: food. Serbs require a specific food intake. Serbs do not deny themselves this. (See the Hungry Serb Diet below.)
Quick lesson #1: how can you tell a person at your door is a Serb? His hand is out, looking for money.
Next, never send out for repair or service when you can do it yourself. Even if it means using your old greasy tools, a long screwdriver and a large hammer, you can fix it yourself. If needed, call relatives or neighbors to help you stare at the problem for an hour or two.
Finally, don’t replace it–repair it or reuse it. Even if you need to re-glue something several times, replace the duct tape, or save that half-used paper plate, do it. Got a drill and screwdriver? Screw it back together. Good example: if you have a cheap barbecue, don’t throw it out if it rusts–use some of that sheet metal you saved nine years ago and fix it!
Distrustful Serb: in the real world, Serbs do not trust anyone. The banks are out to take your money. The government is trying to take your money. The strangers on the street want to steal your money or your belongings. The valet wants to steal your car, or mistreat it, not just park it. Everyone is trying to cheat you. Trust nobody. Lock your doors and check them twice.
Quick lesson #2: how can you tell a Serb is in the building? He’s the only one arguing with the vending machine for swallowing his quarters.
The Serb Diet: as a Serb, you require a certain food intake. First of all, you don’t eat to get full, you eat because it tastes good. This means that you eat beyond your capacity to get stuffed with food. Serbs with expanding waistlines are common. Next, you need certain food groups, such as the pickled or creamed herring group, the sardine group, the ham hocks group, the pork rinds group, the hot pepper group, etc. Eat anything that is salty, greasy or otherwise nasty smelling. Be careful, though: see Serb Ailments below.
Serbs love to eat at home, but also enjoy eating at a restaurant. As a Serb, you can’t eat at just any restaurant: no, you have to eat at a restaurant where you “know the owner”. Invariably, this means the food is usually mediocre at best, but the Serb thinks it’s the best thing since Wolfgang Puck picked up a butcher knife.
Lazy Serb: don’t carry in two loads what you can carry in one. Even if it means dropping something breakable along the way, or dropping a path of small items along the way to your destination. Remember, every doubled-up trip saves you time in the long run, even if it means disrupting everything in your path.
Always take a 45 minute nap after dinner, making sure to snore loudly. And don’t get up too early on weekends, or holidays. Keep your Serb belongings close at hand, so you don’t have to get up out of your easy chair. And never do for yourself what you can beg ask others to do.
Quick Lesson #3: all Serbs snore loudly. Prepare yourself. Buy earplugs for your loved ones!
Stupid Serb: when all else fails, adopt that “dumb immigrant” look and act clueless. Acting clueless is something that comes natural to some Serbs, although most others of the species often just look guilty.
Serb Grooming and Style: with your black, thin, greazy Serb hair, you are capable of one terrific comb-over if you need it. Get used to it, fellow Serbs: you have a genetic case of Serb Pattern Baldness, and you likely could see that dome of your shining when you hit 25 years old. You need not smell like a greazy immigrant though: be sure to lather up with plenty of Irish Spring, and don’t forget the Breck shampoo to tame that greazy hair.
If you instead have the “bushy” Serb hair (to which Serb Pattern Baldness often does not apply), be sure to check it often for loose food particles, missing pieces of that circa 1958 reading lamp you dismantled for parts back in 1978, and any stray critters from outdoors. These Serbs often have a moustache; if anyone wanted to blow up Serbia, all they need to do is develop a moustache-seeking missle.
Serbs tan well. That dark Serb skin is popular with the ladies.
Serbs usually dress in anything practical (OK, inexpensive). They usually do not wear jeans, instead preferring that classic “casual dressed-up” look. Fortunately, Serb grandparents are not as embarassing, as you would never find a Serb wearing plaid shorts, black dress socks and a striped dress shirt in public. Or in private, for that matter.
Serb Ailments, and The Cane: common Serb ailments include anything with the circulatory system, such as heart attacks and strokes. Buy your Standard Issue Serb Walking Cane as soon as you hit 50, and practice using it: you’ll have your stroke within the next 15 years, guaranteed. Then, you can sit in a chair all day and demand that everyone wait on you hand and foot. And when you get “90% bombed”, your wife can help you get back up the stairs again. “OK, George, now PUSH!” Serbs are also prone to gout (see “pickled herring” and “pork rinds” above).
Quick Lesson #4: choose a quality cane, something with a brass handle. And be sure it is of the proper weight, to keep up with your post-stroke hobble.
Serb Music: even though you’re not Polish, playing polkas is good, clean, festive party music. Be sure to find music by the local tamburitzans, kolo dance records, and the Zorba The Greek soundtrack. All vocals must be in Serbian, Greek or other mediterranean language. And of course, you understand it completely, even more so when you’re 90% bombed.
Serb Names: to be a true Serb, you need a typical Serb name. Names like Ana, Olga and Oma for ladies is common, while Serb men often sport names like Emil, Peter, Vaso, Milos…and you can never go wrong using George, as it’s the “Michael” of Serb names. Every family has at least three Georges.
Serb Spirits: a true Serb drinks anything and everything, especially if it’s free. If a Serb buys it himself, it is usually cheap. Good old standby beverages include beers by Blatz, Pabst Blue Ribbon and Carling’s Black Label. And why buy Seagram’s Crown Royal when 7 Crown will do? And don’t waste your money on “premium” vodka when Stolichnaya will do just fine. The Serbian National Drink is officially Slivovitz; y
Serbs have no limits–a Serb will not stop drinking even after he becomes loud and obnoxious. Serbs have iron stomachs (see pickled herring and pork rinds, above), so it doesn’t affect them.
Quick Lesson #5: how can you tell when a Serb is 90% bombed? The “Zorba The Greek” theme gets louder and louder on the hi-fi, and your favorite Serb knows all the words…only thing is, the Zorba theme has no words.
Serb Men and the Ladies: older Serbs are hopeless flirts. They probably haven’t had any alone time with their better halves for 10 or more years, so anything in a skirt (hopefully female) is fair game. Serbs are not in-breeders, however, so they will usually leave alone other family members. Younger serbs are walking hormones, though…beware!
Serbs and Families: when you are a Serb, you have a large family. You constantly attend the funerals of long-lost aunts and uncles (half of whom are named George), and you have more cousins than you can shake a tamburitza at. Half of your cousins seem to be named Olga.
So, there you have it! You have enough information to be an Honorary Serb in the 21st century. Good luck!
Your author, Rudy, is actually part Serb (self-dubbed “Српска Лове Мацхине”), and intends to poke gentle fun at his Serb brethren. Drawing on fond family memories over the years, I drew upon these to compile what may be the definitive do-it-yourself Honorary Serb guide on the internet. Now excuse me for a few hours…it’s garbage night, and I’m going a-trollin’!