Today’s installment of music humor includes a few amusing anecdotes and some important lists that are a “must-have” for any serious gigging musician. Or not!

A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a
musician.” She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”

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A jazz pianist dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says “Bob, you made it too, that’s great.”

“Yeah, turns out God’s a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam session with a never-ending supply of wine, women and food. There’s just one drawback.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, God has a girlfriend, and she’s a singer.”

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THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN’S TOUR BUS…

15. God, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements
14.. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that…it makes playing drums so easy…
13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again
12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!
11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?
10. Should we go back for the drummer?
9. Checkmate!
8. Go roll ’em down the aisle all you want. They’re only cymbals.
7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
5. Why is there porno in the VCR?
4. Can you believe all the money we’re getting?
3. Boy, I can’t wait till we get to Omaha!
2. No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

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WEAPONS OF MASS INTONATION*:

25 oboes playing ANY note in unison
1 soprano sax
5 piccolos playing above the staff
Duke Ellington’s sax section
Most string sections
Alto Flutes of all brands
Ted Weems’ sax section playing “Heartaches” on cold clarinets
Most pianos in clubs and hotels
98% of band singers
E-flat clarinets
Kenny G.
Brittany Spears scat singing Cherokee